by Jaclyn Roessel
Since my son was born, I have held a deep, omnipresent longing for rest. Usually, this is a feeling I can sense as soon as my eyes peel open. Today was different. I woke to my playful babe, smiling and poking at my breast ready to be nourished at dawn. His twinkling eyes and loving smile greeted me with blissful joy. We laid in our cocoon. Snuggling and kissing one another with gentle pecks. Waking up to him each day is an indescribable blessing.
As we greeted the day and slowly left our bubble, I was bombarded with the frenzy of fear engulfing the world at the state of the pandemic. This week has been one full of heaviness as we carry the worry about family members and friends. I have been working to hold concerns and maintain commitment to nurturing this beautiful soul.
As my husband and I run our own businesses and organizations, what is clear is how privileged we are to get to spend time with our son. What is new for us lately is our son is a walking, running baby ready to explore the world. At times keeping up with emails and him is a challenge. If I am being honest, often it is easier to manage the unpredictability of client emails than it is to be ready for what our love bug will dare to climb, eat and want beyond his wingspan.
In all, I am thankful for the gift of being home with him. Thankful we get to share our days. Blessed to know he will see his parents dive passionately into their work for community and culture. On days like today, where I feel so vulnerable, it is hard to not have a space to hide from my love bug’s watchful eye as I process.
As we played on our living room floor, I pretended to be the horsey as my love pretended to be the rodeo star riding into the arena for his event, I was overcome by emotion. It was all consuming, the desire, need and want to keep his precious self safe. Being a parent I often hold my humanity and my son’s purity and connection to the Holy Ones in hand and heart.
I am regularly consumed by the immense responsibility to this being. All the ways I need to keep him safe pour into my mind. While my son rode his “horse”, he realized my face changed. Tears streaming down my cheeks he leaned close to my face and kissed my lips. Then laughed and yelled as if to say “giddy-up! Keep going.” I did.
On our afternoon walk, we went to see the family’s horses in the coral. My love is fascinated by these creatures. Feeling brave now to pet their noses, he reaches out and then yips a giggle when his hand touches their coarse hair.
As we returned from our adventure, I realized the bright green bulbing leaves on the trees around our neighborhood. I recalled the sound of thunder returning in the morning with the rain that left the air feeling fresh and clean. I shared stories with him about how the return of thunder meant the earth was waking up from sleep. Pointing to the trees with blooming leaves, I shared how our beloved cottonwood trees would soon be returning too.
While this child explores the world, I realized that I am seeing the world new in getting to share it with him. We are two souls who have been gifted with each other’s presence and even though these times are uncertain, what we know is the impenetrable love we have for one another. My love has wisdom of ancestors in him, medicine of futures and pasts – how grateful am I to learn from such a powerful teacher the lesson of trust, noticing life cycles and love. How important it is to hear this teacher’s voice and listen to the message even when it’s the simple reminder to, “Giddy-up. Keep going.”